Spurious News: NSA enraged by Trump's Qatari-gifted 747
FORT MEADE, MD (Spurious News Network) -- In recent days we have learned that the government of Qatar, a supporter of the terrorist organization Hamas, has presented President-for-Life Donald Trump with an ostentatious Boeing 747 airliner. The deal provides that the airliner be used as Trump's presidential jet until the end of his administration then be transferred to the Trump presidential library so Trump can continue to use it.
Millions have pointed out that this deal screams of corruption, violates the Emoluments Clause of the United States Constitution and is a form of influence peddling. The National Security Agency, which does signals intelligence work, has a different objection to it: it's bugged, and heavily.
"Although we normally don't publicly discuss sources and methods that we use in our work," said Lieutenant General William J. Hartman, Director of the National Security Agency, "we will in this case. We borrowed a bug detection system from another agency because we don't have any, set it up 500 feet from the Qatari jet, and turned the jet on. The bug detection system picked up so many devices it blew up - and by that I don't mean just burning out a few components, I mean it exploded like it was a bomb. Now we have to buy them a new one. They're happy because they get a new one; we're not because we have to pay for it and they're expensive. Because Air Force One is a (Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility) it can't have any bugs at all, and this jet has so many none of us are sure how it's able to fly."
General Hartman continued, "After we treated the bug detector operator for the second-degree burns and shrapnel wounds she suffered when the system exploded, we sent a team equipped with handheld detectors aboard the jet. They detected one bug every four inches. We even found them under the toilet seats in the lavatories. Whoever bugged this jet must have a brother in the bug manufacturing business because they went all-out on this one. There are so many bugs on this plane we wouldn't ever be able to get them all out. There's no way in hell you could ever discuss classified information on this aircraft, and since discussing classified information is the president's job he can't use this jet."
The White House had a different take on this. "General Hartman apparently thinks we have a normal president," said a presidential aide who demanded anonymity. "If we told him 'no, you can't use this jet' he'd throw a temper tantrum and we're already going through a drum of Ketchup Remover a week. But it's okay if he uses it because we don't let him have any classified material. It was bad enough having the FBI haul a truckload of Top Secret information out of his bathroom last time he was in office, so we're not giving him the opportunity to let it happen again."
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