Spurious News: Donald Trump's year in review
FROM MY HOME OFFICE (Spurious News Network) -- The yutes of today started a fun-for-them tradition they call Dry January, where you pledge not to drink any alcohol all month. This year I suspect we're going to have Drink Two Gallons of Bourbon January.
Yup, it's time to look at the carnage our favorite disaster, King Donald Trump, inflicted on the world in his first year back in office. This will not be an all-inclusive list because there's no way anyone can remember that many atrocities.
After getting reinstalled, the first fucking thing he did was pardon all the criminals who trashed the Capitol on January 6, 2021.
He threw the entire retail establishment into chaos by stopping the minting of pennies. You remember the little stickers the Hard Right printed up with President Biden's picture on them that you were supposed to put on gas pumps? A wise entrepreneur could make a fortune printing up the same kind of stickers with Donald Fucking Trump on them that you could stick on "there's a penny shortage, please pay with your debit card" signs in stores.
He installed Elon Musk, the guy who bankrolled his re-election bid, into a made-up office called the Department of Government Efficiency. Naturally, the first thing that happened was the government got less efficient. The whole purpose of "DOGE" was not to improve anything, but to hamstring any agency who might want oversight over Elon Musk's death trap cars and exploding rockets. In this, he was highly successful.
He installed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as Secretary of Health and Human Services. Before he did this I had joked he was going to put well-known quack Joseph Mercola in the job. We would have been better off with Mercola, dude. Kennedy's signature program is titled "Make America Healthy Again." He didn't recommend smoking two packs of unfiltered Camels a day, eating fugu or jumping motorcycles over school buses before breakfast, at least not yet, but those are about the only unhealthy habits he hasn't told you to do so far.
He installed Pete Hegseth as Secretary of Defense. Mr. Hegseth is a former Army infantry officer who sucks so bad he never actually worked as one. The only time he was in a leadership role in his time in service, he was running a refugee resettlement platoon. When they sent him to an actual infantry outfit, the 101st Airborne's storied 3d Battalion 187th Infantry, the colonel took one look at his sorry ass and declared him the battalion public affairs officer - a slot infantry battalions don't have in their Modified Tables of Organization and Equipment. The usual move for battalion commanders needing to warehouse God-awful officers is to name them either the motor officer or the mess hall officer. Hegseth was such a fuckup the colonel wouldn't trust his motor pool or chow hall to him. Once he became Secretary of Defense he made himself infamous by running a combat action classified TOP SECRET over an unapproved-for-this iPhone app AND he allowed an uncleared reporter into the chat. He made himself even more infamous by forcing every flag officer in the military to come to US Marine Corps Base Quantico, Va., for a come-to-Jesus meeting that could have easily been accomplished over a Zoom call or by e-mail.
His whole administration has been about diminishing the rights of people he doesn't like...which is anyone who hasn't given Donald Trump enough money to make him happy. "How much is enough?" No one really knows.
He seems to have had four criteria for choosing his political appointees: they have to look good in makeup, they have to be to the right of Attila the Hun, they have to be willing to die for Donald Trump and they have to know absolutely nothing about whatever the hell they're supposed to be doing. This explains how Linda McMahon, former CEO of a pro wrestling circuit, got named Secretary of Education.
He forced through a tax cut he called the "Big Beautiful Bill Act" before going on a spending spree that makes an aircraft carrier full of drunken sailors look fiscally responsible.
He came up with a bunch of wonderful ideas, like annexing Canada, annexing Mexico, invading Mexico, annexing Greenland, building a fleet of new battleships and re-opening the Alcatraz Federal Prison. These are only wonderful in the same sense that dropping a 300-pound anvil on your foot is a pleasant experience.
He spent so much time at his Palm Beach estate, charging the Secret Service for guarding him in the process, that I started putting "Palm Beach, Fla." in the datelines of my rants.
He profited from his office to an extent never seen before. He seems to mostly enjoy selling pictures of himself after he got shot in the side of his empty head during his 2024 campaign, but he does like selling hats, cryptocurrency, and perfume.
He decided to throw himself a massive Soviet May Day-style military parade on his 2025 birthday. The troops forced to perform in it expressed their displeasure by marching in a manner that would have kept them in the front leaning rest for the next month if they'd have done it in basic. Having said that, the robot dog WAS kinda cool.
He tore down one end of the White House to clear room for building a ballroom on the White House grounds. The ballroom isn't designed, funded or permitted, it's going to be bigger than the actual White House is if it ever gets built (worse, he wants to make it even bigger than first announced) and it would have fit on the grounds without tearing down anything. But hey, if he could get rid of the office Roslyn Carter, Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama and Jill Biden used it's all good.
He took a yooge bribe from the nation of Qatar in the form of one of their old beater Boeing 747s that the Qatari government didn't want to keep pouring money into. The arrangement calls for Trump to use the jet as the new Air Force One, then for it to be transferred to his library after Trump's term ends. The aircraft will not be ready for presidential use until after Trump's term ends.
He's trying to figure out how to be the first three-term president since FDR - something he can't constitutionally be.
The list of people Trump has pardoned in his year, not counting all the criminals who broke into the Capitol, make the patrons of Mos Eisley Cantina look like honest upright citizens.
And just in the last couple of days, he started a fucking war to steal Venezuela's oil.
The worst part is, he will get worse.