I get the feeling that there is something roiling up in my sub-conscious/repressed memory

[Siwsan]

It is triggering anxiety, seemingly out of nowhere. We all know that therapy requires digging deep in to some pretty harsh memories and I've had to do a lot of that.

However, SOMETHING is still there so I guess that is something that qualifies as repressed. The stuff I chose to suppress was bad enough. This feels like something dreadful and I have not a clue as to what it might be.

Of course it might just be that the 10th anniversary of my sister's and mom's death are right around the corner.

.

[Nigrum Cattus]

1. A book that might help

https://www.amazon.com/Many-Lives-Masters-Prominent-Psychiatrist/dp/0671657860

[Siwsan]

4. Very interesting

I used to have two recurring dreams. In one I was on the outskirts of modern day London. I started walking towards the Tower of London. As I walked, all of the scenery around me started changing. The closer I got to the White Tower, the further back in time my surroundings became. Later I saw a painting of the Tower depicted in the 14 or 1500's and it looked exactly like it appeared in my dream.

Another I was in a big 16th century manor house. There was a huge dark walnut staircase to the left that wound to the right. I headed up the stairs and the closer I got to the landing, and a closed door, the more uncomfortable I became. When I reached to open that door I would immediately and sharply wake up.

Both of these dreams were repeated many times. Because they never changed, I always wondered it these were atavistic memories.

[XanaDUer2]

2. Good luck processing

Hopefully you can be gently guided through it

[Walleye]

3. It's the time of year as well. And the long dark nights, I think I'm getting anxiety every evening

[SheltieLover]

5. Read "No Bad Parts," by Dick Schwartz

This can explain a lot & catalyze things to discuss with your therspist.

[FirstLight]

6. ever considered trauma hypnosis therapy?

Sounds like it could help dig it up...but then again, if you wanna leave it be that could work too!

[Siwsan]

7. It would be interesting to see if I could be hypnotized.

I have a really hard time letting down my guard but I'd love to try it.

[hunter]

10. I had a therapist who suggested that.

There's a street in Berkeley that triggers severe panic attacks in me. I know very well why it does but the knowing doesn't help.

I went there once alone, seeking some kind of peace maybe, or maybe to face my fears and tough it out as my crazy mom might have advised (if I'd ever told her...), and I ended up sitting on the curb crying, the people passing by probably thinking "just another day in Berkeley."

My last psychiatrist often seemed very frustrated with me because there were places I would not go, stories I would not tell.

I have terrifying nightmares sometimes and when I'm able to force myself awake I can sometimes figure out where they came from but that doesn't make me feel any better.

Yes, I know hypnosis therapy isn't about that. It still scares me.

[JMCKUSICK]

8. I often feel the exact same way.

[2naSalit]

9. I think it may have...

Something to do with our current situation in this country. I have noticed that I have found a way to clench my jaw without involving my teeth and so my neck and shoulders are in a bad way from the internal stress I'm, apparently, suppressing. I'm glad I get to see my therapist once a week right now.

I hope you can find some relief, it's one of the worst times for lots of people. New Year's Eve was the anniversary of my mom's passing (2020-2021), it's not an easy time.

[Siwsan]

11. I remember being at my sister's bed side on New Year's Day 2015

I got a phone call that my aunt had fallen and broken her hip. I had to race to the hospital and then race back to the assisted living place to retrieve her medications and then back to the hospital. They were something the hospital didn't stock.

A few days later I did see my sister, for the last time before she died. I would have been with her the night she passed but the roads were treacherous and I have very bad night vision. I headed out the next morning and what should have been a less than 30 minute drive took over twice as long. Half of the drive I couldn't even be sure I was on the road.

I loved my Aunt but she was VERY high maintenance and wouldn't cooperate with any of the physical therapy so she was released from the rehab center and sent back to assisted living. I was juggling the grief over my sister with the worry and stress over my aunt and mom, who had late stage Alzheimer's. She died 3 weeks later.

Yea, this is a really rough time of the year and now it's compounded by the fear of the incoming regime. I feel constantly exhausted.

[2naSalit]

12. Some days are...

More of a struggle than others.

I found out, last night, what happened to my young next door neighbor who pass on New Years. It's really tragic, he was riding his bike and hit a patch of ice and he crashed. I may have been the last person to see him alive as I saw him a few minutes before he went down the hill with his bike. Sad, he was in rehab but had been clean for a couple years and was pulling himself out of a hole. He was really trying, that's all I know about him, he's only been around for a month or so. I was stressing about that last night.

I have decided to let go of those who pass a little more easily from now on. I can't be devastated by each one such that I can't go forward for some amount of time. I'm getting old and my friends are going to pass and I have to have a more reasonable way of grieving without falling off the conveyor belt. Some important, to me, people are getting on in age so I have to be ready for it. I spent a lot of time getting over some of the covid deaths, I need a better way to get through the process.