I cannot stop wondering why I am still around.

[OldBaldy1701E]

There is just no logical reason for it. It makes no sense whatsoever. I sit here alone every evening because my husband is at work doing something he does not like but we are not in a position to change anything and probably won't ever be. Now that the sociopolitical landscape is turning on people like myself and my husband, things will be even more unlikely to happen. Even being in a blue state is not going to help us.

[WhiteTara]

1. Sounds like you need a hobby.

[OldBaldy1701E]

9. What I need is therapy.

Like some serious mental help. BUT... that costs more than I have made in my entire life. So, that is not going to happen.

Everything I used to do means nothing to me anymore. My mental state is such that I just stare at my musical instruments. Hell, I have the means to be creating content of certain kinds and I just don't have it in me anymore. Add to that my almost constant pain. Even trying to set up to do something becomes more than I can do in one day. But, our healthcare is such that only rich people get real help when they are like me. We peons are just left to perish, hopefully with as little impact on anyone's bottom line as possible. I might get an urn when I go. I want to be cremated but I bet it will cost too much. Looks like a cardboard box and an unmarked pauper's grave for me!

[applegrove]

2. Thinking of you tonight.

[OldBaldy1701E]

10. Thanks. (n/t)

[Frasier Balzov]

3. You are the cosmos expressing itself.

That's a worthwhile purpose.

Your existence makes other things possible.

[OldBaldy1701E]

11. The 'purpose' needs to help me survive, since I cannot do it without some help.

Also (for what it is worth), when I was in my early twenties I swore that I would not just exist. That I would be following my dreams and helping others along the way. Well, I helped others, that is for sure. All the fucking time. Free work, free performing, free this and free that. The 'following my dream' part? Not so much. See, one cannot survive doing everything for free. And, as time has passed, it appears there is no one who wants to pay me to do anything other than work myself into traction or worse, all of which will take about three weeks as my health is pitiful and not getting any better.

Dying slowly is ridiculous. Why torture yourself? That makes no logical sense either.

Sorry, I am trying to work through all of this, but existential purpose is not going to help. Getting out of a society that values a green piece of paper over a human being is what will help. There is really only one way to do that. The rot that is capitalism has spread so thoroughly that there is scarcely a spot on the globe that isn't trying to assimilate into the unbounded greed that is modern capitalism. Capitalism is what is keeping me from getting any real help. The need to get vast sums of money before helping a human being who is suffering and dying is a society that I do not want to be part of. The fact that this is now the only acceptable motivation for said is enough to make me want to puke. Of course, that might be the pain in my hand at the moment. Sometimes it gets really bad and not using it makes no difference.

[OAITW r.2.0]

4. Who knows what the future holds?

At least you have someone to share it with. Best wishes.

[Hope22]

5. I hear what you are saying and understand the feeling.

I guess all I can say is we can’t give up yet. If we can hang in there it might turn out to be less severe than we fear. Lean in to the blue state, a sun beam and library books / videos. They say two years and the tide may turn but until then we can feed our souls as best we can. Even though I’m disappointed I’m gonna give it a try. I hope you do too! Love to you. 💗🙏🏼

[multigraincracker]

6. Lately I've been getting lost in reading books. Seems to really help me.

Best of luck and you can count on us.

[KatK]

7. Holding you in the light. The universe is hard to understand sometimes, but you matter and we care. n/t

[XanaDUer2]

8. I hear you

I'm starting to wonder why I'm even here since my injury. Its a sad feeling and I'm sorry you're feeling it