Things are not going well here.
Firstly, I feel I should apologize for posting here. Since I started doing it more regularly, suddenly, everyone else stopped. I did not wish to destroy the meaning of this forum, and I sincerely hope that this is just my anxiety telling me that I did this. But, the postings list sure gives an impression.
Secondly, my body is getting worse. I have been having pretty strong chest pains. My right heel has cracked and now I can barely walk. The wound on the bottom of my foot that I have been fighting for almost a year now is better, but still not healed. Now, for the past few weeks, I have been fighting calf cramps from both legs and I am not exactly sure why. I mean, other than my general deterioration, I guess.
We cannot afford to deal with any of this. I am tired of being a mooch and I am tried of not being able to take care of myself. It is crazy to even try to figure out something to do about any of it, because the same roadblock is there, no matter what I try to do.
The fact that I have to face the reality of knowing that absolutely nothing I have done has made a difference to any one or any thing. I suppose it is a conundrum... trying to decide which is worse, the fact that nothing you are doing matters, or the fact that nothing to have ever done matters. Of course, then one has to deal with the concept of those like myself, who have failed so miserably that both sides apply.
The chest pains are not pleasant. I may have to make some hard decisions about the future if they don't stop, because I am done suffering any more than I have to. I already made it past my expiration date thanks to the bypass, but since that time I have done nothing and have been able to do nothing. Now, I am unable to consider doing anything.
This weekend, my husband and I have been invited to go to a park with a friend. As things stand, I am not sure I can do this. My husband is excited about this trip. It figures that my condition and life will once again ruin everything not only for myself, but him as well. It seems that this is my lot in life. To always fail and suffer. I swear that I have decided that only reason I am still alive and have my husband is to make sure I suffer in every possible way for as long as possible.
Face it, I am just not made for this modern world. I wanted to have a hand in shaping it, and I failed. There is nothing left inside and there is no reason to keep pretending.
As that one song I wrote says, "I'm filled with bile, right through my brain."
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