Wow. I started posting here and the place died like my career!**trigger warning**

[OldBaldy1701E]

I apologize for that. This curse is a tough one.

Today, I went to get a script filled. My husband went with me. Tomorrow is our 21st wedding anniversary. Neither of us can do anything about it. We have just over one hundred dollars to last us till after the first. We will be sitting here in our shitty apartment trying to act like the other is not here. Well, he will be doing this, I won't. He is ignoring me, because apparently everything is my fault.

In some ways, he is right. My body is failing fast and I take too many pills and other things to try and ease the effects, and now I am unable to fix my mouth, which is partly why he is so distant. I look like a stereotypical rural redneck. It is no wonder that he doesn't want to kiss me and doesn't want to be around me. I am not worth the trouble. It is also part of the reason I have had such issues with cultivating friendships, as I guess people are just too superficial to handle my dental issues. I am also quite convinced that this is why no one will hire me to do anything, or volunteer anywhere. I may be wrong, but it fits the facts.

I am not asking for anything (other than a peaceful and painless death as soon as possible). I hate doing that. I really hate it.

The state was supposed to be there for those who reached my position. That turned out to be a joke. I will be applying for SS now, since I have turned 62. It will be an insulting amount, considering I have been paying into that system since I was twelve. It will be so insulting that I will question why I am bothering to even attempt this crap once again. But, there is my husband. I have failed everyone, even myself, but the failure that I have brought to this man is beyond all that. I failed to be anything other than an albatross.

Now, I am becoming unsure about everything. I was aware that my mental faculties were starting to suffer, but now it is getting bad enough that I have to consider not doing things because of the dangers involved. It also means that things are even more screwed around here because there is no one else. We don't know anyone around here, other than a few acquaintances who are not in the equation, and I am past my wits end.

The reason that I am here now is because I was too much of a coward the three times I 'tried'. Things are possibly getting to the point where I may be able to forgo the concerns about potentially failing and finally be able to save the planet and my husband.

It really hurts to realize that no one gives one hoot about myself. Even my husband is about to give up caring.

[LoisB]

1. I care. I am so sorry you are going through so much. Please do your best to

not give up.

[synni]

2. Your husband is the problem, NOT YOU!

"In sickness and in health, till death do us part," is in the wedding vows for a reason. He is supposed to support you and love you, and take care of you. He is NOT supposed to reject you just because you have some dental problems! Please, stop blaming yourself for him being so superficial.

If you sign up for an Instagram account, search there for videos about how to get Social Security disability. There are several attorneys on Instagram, who are giving excellent advice. I'm on disability, because I accidentally did what they had suggested! If only I had known the facts, I would have been a lot less nervous, and I would have been more successful sooner.

And while you are on Instagram, also run some searches for "emotional abuse." There are many, many women and psychologists on Instagram, who are posting videos to help women like you reclaim their self-worth after suffering emotional abuse from their husbands. (And that is exactly what you are experiencing.)

YOU are not the problem! You are a perfectly normal human being with a soul that just wants to be loved. Your husband is the problem, because he's too superficial to overlook minor cosmetic problems, and see the woman you really are.

You don't need to die, to get relief. You just need to find help, and find other people who are suffering like you. You can find them online; that's the positive side of social media. Please reach out...support is out there, and it doesn't cost one penny more than your internet connection. 💕

[mopinko]

4. men dont take that "in sickness" thing srsly. women do.

the stats r out there. it happened to me.
i got bit by the wrong mosquito, my health fell apart, docs were no help, and shortly after my marriage started to fray. it took 10 yrs to dissolve completely, but…
once the kids were grown, i had outlived my usefulness.

[OldBaldy1701E]

6. My apologies. You may want to give a peek at my past postings.

There is not much that I have not tried to figure out how to get some help or something.

Two times spending money on lawyers to try and get SSDI only to get before a judge and be denied.

I have emailed and called every number and service that I can and they just tell me that I don't qualify or that they can't help me.

With the current state of things in this country, seeking aid of any kind is problematic at best. Add to that the absolute necessity of not putting unnecessary miles on an already crippled vehicle and (as usual) not being anywhere near said agencies or services...

Like I said... cursed. You know that old trope about a group of characters going through a doorway, and the one that usually is the 'Pagliacci-style' comic relief who cannot get through the same door that everyone else went though with no effort?

That's me.

[synni]

7. Disability lawyers don't tell you what you need to know

These disability specialist on Instagram tell you the specific things you need to say and do, to convince a judge to give you the approval you are seeking. When you hire a disability lawyer, they don't tell you any of this.

Also, I find it odd that you are having to hire lawyers, because the way most disability lawyers work is that there is no fee unless you win your case. So you either hired the wrong type of lawyer, or they scammed you, because you should not have had to pay one dime when you lost your cases.

You haven't mentioned whether or not you called churches for assistance. They are not government agencies, and they will rarely turn you down (unless I think you are asking for cash to buy drugs, but most churches pay the utility company directly, to prevent that from happening).

You don't need to put miles on your car to get assistance from churches. I can't drive anymore, and I don't even own a car. You handle everything by phone, and the church pays the utility company remotely. No travel is involved.

[hunter]

3. I haven't been posting much in this group much, possibly since I changed up my meds this past November.

It's possibly the best combo of meds I've ever been prescribed but I'm at that point now where some of the side effects are starting to gnaw at me. Intellectually I know not to quit -- I've done that in the past with bad consequences -- so I carry on knowing how easy it would be to delude myself and quit taking them because I'm no longer deeply depressed, having nightmares, or otherwise as dysfunctional as I can be "off my meds."

So for me it has nothing to do with you posting here and I hope nobody in this group has walked away because you are posting here!

I want to know I'm reading most of your posts on DU even if I'm not responding. There are many of us here who care about you.

[OldBaldy1701E]

5. You know, I must apologize for something.

There are so many people becoming new members and many who have been here a while but are not aware, but we are both males.

I have to be honest here, my husband has every right to be upset about our situation, because as stated I have been little more than the 'hired help' (although I was not hired). It is so supremely frustrating to know that so many of my health issues could be addressed if only my last name was Soros, or Rockefeller. He has been working steadily with little in the way of breaks for a long time now. We are always dangling on the end of the rope, and I know it weighs on him so very much.

There is also the fact that we grew up (as well as had early adult years) in very different socioeconomic classes. (Although there were plenty of parallels as well.) I have made him into a 'farm hand' wage slave just because it is that or the whole thing ends and he goes on to his next part of life and mine is over, because without him I am truly nothing. He chose to be honorable and does things that he doesn't want to. (He is in food service management, and he is about the most introverted person you will never meet. I still don't know how he manages to do it, since he usually makes Teller look gregarious.)

(What may be the only positive thing I have brought to the table, but still part of the entire curse, is that my mother loves him to no end and would easily assist him in anything he asked of her. (Not so for myself.) So, that is a positive.)

We did get the chance to speak for a bit and I am hoping to speak further tomorrow. I just feel so worthless when we talk about stuff, especially when I have to see the pain in his eyes and know who is causing it.