I honestly don't know what the hell I'm doing...

[cynatnite]

A few weeks ago my mom had some vertigo. We went to the doctor and they ordered tests. The next day, it got so bad that she was vomiting and I had to call an ambulance. To make a long story short she has been diagnosed with small cell lung cancer with metastasis to the brain.

She's been going to radiation therapy. This Friday she gets her port and Tuesday after her last day of radiation, she starts chemo.

The doctor told us a probability of 9-12 months is what my mom might have. He made a point of saying that patients have been known to live much longer. Either way, it's gotten me rather depressed and I can't say what my mother is feeling. She's not ready to have that conversation yet...at least not with me.

I want to start her on a better diet before and during chemo. They've warned about blood count problems that could arise. I'm trying to find good recipes that hopefully are easy on her GI tract and that she will like, but I honestly don't know what to look for.

So many decisions have to get made and I don't feel ready for them at all. The house, the car, dealing with family...my sister especially. Mom has always been a pennypincher, the cheaper the better and she talked about cremation. My sister is as hardcore Christian as it gets and cremation is offensive to her for purely religious reasons. I'm an atheist. She's already trying to make those plans behind my back. She's in Oklahoma and I'm in TN with my mom. I'm the only family here for Mom, plus my kids. They all have jobs, their own kids and lives to deal with.

Mother's Day is coming. My husband (truck driver) was talking about taking time off for that week and I absolutely shut him down. I can't handle thinking about that either.

I want to do everything I can for my mother and I feel fucking helpless as it is. I'm trying to contend with all of this and I don't fucking know how to do it. I feel like everything is piling on and it's hard. I have to be strong and keep it together for my mom.

I just don't know what I'm doing and I'm scared I'm going to fuck it all up. I feel very isolated and it's hard to talk about this with anyone. I'm afraid I would totally lose it and I don't want that or anyone around for that. Any advice would mean a lot. Thanks.