I've been diagnosed with stage four terminal cancer

[highplainsdem]

88. I'm so sorry, Mark.

I hope you won't mind my using your first name. I've been using search to look at a lot of your old messages, and I noticed you signed your name to a beautiful and very touching reply you posted for The_jackalope in 2017: https://www.democraticunderground.com/1285294#post2 .

I wish so much you weren't in so much pain, and I hope the radiation treatments that are scheduled will bring it under control.

I hate cancer. I've lost relatives (including both my grandmothers) and other loved ones to cancer, but I've also had other relatives and loved ones recover from it. The treatments are so much better now than they used to be, and they're constantly finding new ones. It's good that you haven't given up hope.

That pain, though...

I've had some pain at least part of every day for 40 years, due to a bad fall on an icy sidewalk. Even at its worst it was trivial compared to what you're going through now, but I couldn't take prescription painkillers because my brain seems to check out when I do (and I'd only realize later that I'd screwed something up), so it was still enough to make my existence a living hell for a while, especially with the disability that went along with it for a while (couldn't climb stairs, couldn't sit at a desk, had to use an overbed table as a desk). I got terribly depressed and had to learn a lot of coping skills I'd never bothered to learn before, especially using meditation and music to tune out the pain. I noticed quite a few of your old posts were about music. I hope you have the music you love in the hospital. It might not seem like something that could help with such extreme pain now, but it might. My pain level was also trivial compared to what other family members with back problems have had - they've been on prescription painkillers for years, and one has a morphine pump implanted - but it sounds like your pain is worse than theirs.

Reading about what you're going through makes me feel like screaming because we don't have better painkillers for those who truly need them.

I noticed, going through your old messages, that you were raised Catholic (ditto) but left the church long ago (ditto). I don't belong to any religion now, but because of my own experiences and those of so many people I've known who've lost loved ones, I do believe we all have homecomings and reunions with loved ones (including pets) when we finally cross over. I have no idea how it works, but I don't think it has anything to do with our beliefs, or lack of them.

I'm hoping a successful treatment for both the cancer and the pain will be found, and that you'll have more years with your loved ones here, before those reunions on the other side with all your loved ones there (including Kittymonster, whose name I love).

Wishing you peace and healing, happiness and love.