I get it...new trauma and digging into childhood psyche abuse is gonna make Holidays triggering

[FirstLight]

Went to bed like normal last night, watched a couple holiday movies that shouldn't have been an issue ...
LITERALLY tossed and turned till after 5am.

tried taking benadryl about 3...nothing.

took Tylenol at 5 cuz my body was starting to hurt

woke up at 7:30 am and now I get it. I'm dealing with ALLLLL those holidays that were just bullshit. Being the scapegoat meant there was no relief, the pressure to perform and "act right" continued well into my years as a single mom.
How nobody EVER came to MY house for the holidays cuz I lived in section 8 housing and my house wasold/dirty, therefore my food was too. Can't tell you how many times I changed clothes and freaked out on my kids because I was already preparing for the comments...like 'you dont need more bread', or 'what's up with your hair', or how my kids acted...or just ME being me was never good enough.
I remember being belittled in front of my grandparents and aunties and uncles because I couldn't behave or didnt eat well (gee, it's a wonder I could eat when my Dad was always yelling at me for something.)
When I was 11, I dropped a dish while clearing the table and my dad ripped me a new one...i spent the evening crying and writing in my diary, no pie for me.

I feel guilt because my issues also rolled downhill into me trying to make my kids live up to the image for my parents and especially my sister, who was always the perfect one, and who also liked throwing me under the bus.

I think about how my grown kids may never all sit at the same table again, because at least 2 of them might never forgive me.

And how I wanted to have a "facetime meal" with the one I *am* speaking to ...but I'm gonna let her down too because I am wrecked today.

I know this is all part of the process, but it still hurts so badly. And while I love and miss my parents NOW, my inner kid is really still pretty sore about everything.

so I'm allowing my tears. Took a hot shower and am having a warm cup of coffee before trying to actually sleep again.
I feel like I let myself down, even thou9gh it's a stupid thing to blame myself for having FEELINGS

I dont think I wanna do this for Christmas or my Bday...I gotta figure that one out somehow later when I am more sane and not crying and shaking...