Discovery From My Past.

[synni]

2. My therapist talked to me about forgiveness

She said that forgiveness isn't really all it's cracked up to be. You can only heal from trauma if you allow yourself to put the blame where it lies: on the abuser. If you "forgive" the abuser (in the sense that people tell us to, as in "forgive and forget" ), you can't heal.

You can accept the apology, but you have to acknowledge that you were abused, and that the abuse shouldn't be forgotten, but dealt with. Meaning, view it as, "My mom said hurtful things to me that aren't true, because she was in pain. I didn't deserve to feel self-critical, because I did nothing wrong. Even she has acknowledged that she is the one who did me wrong. So I have to ignore the things she said, because they're not true, and even she knew it."

When you try to "forgive and forget," you're not processing the situation. And if you don't process it, you'll continue to internalize it.

There's a fantastic book that I often recommend (I'm an abuse survivor), called "Toxic Parents," by Susan Forward. It covers all types of abuse: emotional, verbal, financial, physical, and sexual.

One thing she wrote is important to remember:

You were NOT responsible for what was done to you as a defenseless child.

In other words, you did nothing wrong to deserve the abuse. "Messy handwriting" isn't a sin. Lacking confidence isn't a sin. You did nothing wrong. You tried your best.

Dr. Forward goes into great detail in her book, as to how we survivors can heal from the abuse. Find the book at the library, get it on interlibrary loan, or else you can find a used copy online.

Also, read up about verbal/emotional abuse online, especially the concept of "trauma bonding." That was a real eye-opener for me!

Best wishes, and remember...you are FINE, just as you are!