I have tried as much as I can find.
I wrote you another post,I know I'll get my time to die.
Eventually when my body gives out,or some virus or bacteria or other living thing conquers my body and kills it,or nature does it with circumstances,or people do it.
I am just weary.The pain. No where is safe.That is reality. No person is safe really for it too wants to survive and avoid trauma like everything else that lives..My imagination gets interrupted by the scars in my brain screaming,the peace is interrupted by the wounds others inflicted to me to survive to get the chemical brain fix or power trip or objects they think they must acquire they think they require to avoid pain like every living being does while alive. Why pretend?
Pretend is all I got and it is a lie.My ethical sense is all I got to control,even though in reality it causes me pain to have it,but it is all I got, but even that is imperfect. I need to feel peace, love, a sense of well being but my brain will not release those chemicals.Forcing it to is addiction. lying it into doing that is fighting against survival,which is also why it's so hard to kill yourself.
I ask myself what holds the molecules of my body in this form?
Why? What keeps my consciousnesses trapped in this living/dead thing? Forcing me to survive here?
Why must I fight others who want to live without trauma too and feel so bad so much of the time, brain causing chemical torture,to live and die one day that I will never know from a reason I can never guess? And never know if I come back here,fade away or go to live in my imagination(heavens)
why
Why can't I just go away the molecule pattern dissolve my brain just disintegrate by my will and my consciousnesses live in imagination,where things are so much better? Why Can't I make what I imagine happen,and go away from the pain by brain makes from it's wounds and go live there?
What forces me to be here to suffer and dream of worlds without trauma?
Places of beauty love and adventure I can make almost real enough to walk right into it.
But that can never actualize into a refuge from suffering for me?
Why?
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