Elder-caregivers

Buckeye_Democrat

(15,093 posts)

103. I'm sorry! It's indeed VERY difficult!

Sat Nov 5, 2022, 05:06 AM

Nov 2022

Among my four siblings, it was only me and my eldest brother who took care of our parents before they passed away about 7 years apart. (We're also the only Democrats among the siblings, by the way! The other siblings always said they were "too busy" with their own families if we ever asked them for even minor help!)

My eldest brother is close to death now. He was actually living with our parents because he's legally blind, so he experienced the worst of all the emotional trauma of dealing with elderly parents (who both had dementia near the end of their lives). After Mom finally died (a few years after Dad), my brother said he felt like the experience aged him about 20 years. And he looked like it too, the poor guy! I helped him every chance that I could, working full-time just to subsist myself. Meanwhile, our oldest sister acts like she can still do cartwheels at age 75.

The other siblings all showed up when it was time to collect the MEAGER inheritance, though.

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I will never be an elder-caregiver again. [View all] Ilsa Nov 2022 OP

It's very hard. we can do it Nov 2022 #1

I can't even grieve her because I'm too filled with Ilsa Nov 2022 #2

Hugs to you. we can do it Nov 2022 #5

TY. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #12

I am so sad for you. redwitch Nov 2022 #3

TY. Life requires courage. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #13

Sending you hugs. MLAA Nov 2022 #4

My MIL's dementia was so bad, she'd scream over being Ilsa Nov 2022 #8

Holy moly! Full time care giving is exhausting, then add the dementia. MLAA Nov 2022 #10

I have an adult son with a severe disability that I am taking care of. Ilsa Nov 2022 #11

Please try and do something nice for yourself soon, even if it is a little thing. MLAA Nov 2022 #19

I'm going to try and wash my hair tonight, get to Ilsa Nov 2022 #20

Sounds like a great plan! A few extra minutes in a hot shower should feel good! MLAA Nov 2022 #21

Good you need to do something for you. Hugs to you Ilsa. You are a better person then me. I couldn't debm55 Nov 2022 #26

The bazaar is a True Blue American Nov 2022 #38

My heart breaks for you questionseverything Nov 2022 #39

TY. Your empathy means a lot. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #14

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Hugs for you dear lady. Srkdqltr Nov 2022 #6

TY. The virtual hugs help. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #15

What a tragedy, and a very stressful time. brer cat Nov 2022 #7

My heart aches sometimes. TY. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #16

love and light to you stage left Nov 2022 #36

Just sending you some hugs,,, KarenS Nov 2022 #9

TY for understanding. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #17

Be very kind to yourself Easterncedar Nov 2022 #18

TY. It feels better that so many people care. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #43

The title of your post says it all, Easterncedar. calimary Nov 2022 #83

I'm worried about my two pets. Ilsa Nov 2022 #90

Do you think they would take to a new wee one? calimary Nov 2022 #99

No, the male is jealous of other animals getting my attention. Ilsa Nov 2022 #120

Are you a member of a care-givers group in your area? erronis Nov 2022 #22

We used respite, but didn't get any the last Ilsa Nov 2022 #41

I've never had the time to get away. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #107

For you now, some rest. A lot of rest. Wild blueberry Nov 2022 #23

Thank you! nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #124

So very sorry on the loss of your husband. Fla Dem Nov 2022 #24

I miss him so much. TY. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #125

I'm sorry for your losses cate94 Nov 2022 #25

Thank you. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #126

Hang in there sister. You've had a rough road. As some above have suggested, panader0 Nov 2022 #27

I don't know how you did it. BigmanPigman Nov 2022 #28

I don't either. I didn't like her very much, but none Ilsa Nov 2022 #49

Your heart is so big! BigmanPigman Nov 2022 #59

It never seems to go like we hope. 1WorldHope Nov 2022 #29

I plan on offing myself it it looks like Ilsa Nov 2022 #47

We just don't know until we get there is my guess. 1WorldHope Nov 2022 #96

My heart goes out to you. Hope22 Nov 2022 #30

Thank you so much. I'm actually feeling better Ilsa Nov 2022 #122

Soak up the love. Hope22 Nov 2022 #142

I am so sorry. Jay25 Nov 2022 #31

Your kindness in replying makes me feel better for myself & the world. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #121

So sorry. Wishing you happiness. You deserve it. Joinfortmill Nov 2022 #32

Thank you so much. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #123

I don't blame you for feeling used and abandoned Warpy Nov 2022 #33

Hubby spent a year getting his mother VA services. The first check Ilsa Nov 2022 #48

Ilsa Hekate Nov 2022 #34

Back atcha! (Thanks) nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #127

I am so sorry, Ilsa. stage left Nov 2022 #35

Oh. mercy. Ilsa Nov 2022 #128

I miss him every day. stage left Nov 2022 #145

Your job is done, take care of yourself now. TNNurse Nov 2022 #37

Thank you. You know, the "your job is done" Ilsa Nov 2022 #129

Take care of yourself, get outside before the weather gets colder. TNNurse Nov 2022 #143

I'm so very sorry. Yorkie Mom Nov 2022 #40

The feelings of death around have been horrible. Ilsa Nov 2022 #130

Please give yourself love and credit for being there for your loved ones. Shoeless Louis Nov 2022 #42

Dayum, you're sweet! Ilsa Nov 2022 #51

Oh my goodness SallyHemmings Nov 2022 #44

Thank you for your kind words. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #131

I'm so sorry. UniqueUserName Nov 2022 #45

Thank you for the link. I might do some reading, even if I Ilsa Nov 2022 #132

So much sadness all coming together. Take care of yourself. I am so sorry. Scrivener7 Nov 2022 #46

Death hovered over my household for two weeks. Ilsa Nov 2022 #53

Bathing, when you are caring for the old and the dying, is often a luxury. Scrivener7 Nov 2022 #55

you're so kind and thoughtful. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #60

Keep us posted how you get along. Scrivener7 Nov 2022 #70

I don't blame you CountAllVotes Nov 2022 #50

No one else would/could take her. I wasn't Ilsa Nov 2022 #54

You did the best you could! CountAllVotes Nov 2022 #85

I am so sorry; how stressful these issues have been. I am sad for you. peacebuzzard Nov 2022 #52

That's awful, too much! Yeah, I have some PTSD from start to finish. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #58

and like you, no one helped me, peacebuzzard Nov 2022 #62

I am so sorry. murielm99 Nov 2022 #56

Thank you so much. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #133

My late wife was a quadriplegic during our 27-year marriage. I was her primary caregiver. Girard442 Nov 2022 #57

You're a mensch as well. Toda raba. Ilsa Nov 2022 #63

Ilsa louslobbs Nov 2022 #61

TY🙏 nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #64

You make me realize how lucky I was. planetc Nov 2022 #65

I'm so sorry. area51 Nov 2022 #66

My heart goes out to you, Ilsa. frogmarch Nov 2022 #67

I found my husband's body. Ilsa Nov 2022 #68

Please get professional help, Ilsa. frogmarch Nov 2022 #73

I am. I'm under the care of a psychiatrist, Ilsa Nov 2022 #74

I am glad to hear that. I'll be thinking of you frogmarch Nov 2022 #81

You made the world more kind and loving, something we should Ilsa Nov 2022 #72

its not like the movies dembotoz Nov 2022 #69

Those are good points. Ilsa Nov 2022 #71

when you run away do watch your spending. dembotoz Nov 2022 #77

You have every right to feel that way. It is exhausting and often thankless. But you did make others Evolve Dammit Nov 2022 #75

Thank you for your kind words. Ilsa Nov 2022 #134

I believe you have. Evolve Dammit Nov 2022 #140

Oh Ilsa. I'm so sorry for all the loss you have weathered. MontanaMama Nov 2022 #76

Hugs to you, too. Brutal is right. Thank you. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #135

Hugs to you, my friend. May you find peace and healing. So very sorry for niyad Nov 2022 #78

I'll never use my license again, or Ilsa Nov 2022 #136

Took care of my mother 24/7 for 6 months+ NoMoreRepugs Nov 2022 #79

Thank you. And "good on you" for helping your mom. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #137

Sharing my heart..... WVGal1963 Nov 2022 #80

Thank you so much. Your empathy Ilsa Nov 2022 #138

I'm 62 and lost my parents long ago. I've always been jealous of those that had their parents around brewens Nov 2022 #82

I hear you. Neither set of parents had much to leave Ilsa Nov 2022 #139

You are everything good about people. My heart is broken for you. Don't be hard on yourself. onecaliberal Nov 2022 #84

Thank you so much. I'm planning Ilsa Nov 2022 #141

Been there, done that - 2x Lithos Nov 2022 #86

TY. Amazing that you could do it twice. Ilsa Nov 2022 #87

LOL Lithos Nov 2022 #98

Reading thru this thread has given me a whole new outlook Deuxcents Nov 2022 #88

TY. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #89

@Ilsa raising2moredems Nov 2022 #91

TY for the kind words. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #92

I've been waiting all evening to reply to this.... Trueblue Texan Nov 2022 #93

thank you. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #104

You are not alone. Simeon Salus Nov 2022 #94

This message was self-deleted by its author Rocknation Nov 2022 #95

In the words of the venerable Bette Davis... pazzyanne Nov 2022 #97

Lisa, I am so sorry. You've had so much loss. AllyCat Nov 2022 #100

I'm so sorry. SleeplessinSoCal Nov 2022 #101

thank you. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #105

I'm so sorry for your loss LittleGirl Nov 2022 #102

I'm so sorry Ilsa Nov 2022 #106

I'm sorry! It's indeed VERY difficult! Buckeye_Democrat Nov 2022 #103

I don't believe in 'heaven' and 'hell', but there has GOT to be some special reward for caregivers 70sEraVet Nov 2022 #108

You are an amazing woman, llsa. sueh Nov 2022 #109

Thank you! nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #144

You were there for them Marthe48 Nov 2022 #110

I have cared for my own father, my mother, and my husband, the last 5 years of his life appleannie1 Nov 2022 #111

I took care of my MIL precisely for that reason. Ilsa Nov 2022 #113

I am soo sorry. appleannie1 Nov 2022 #148

Thank you for your king words. Ilsa Nov 2022 #149

There is nothing to be ashamed about. You wrote it beautifully. LiberalFighter Nov 2022 #112

My deepest sympathies. CrispyQ Nov 2022 #114

I echo these comments. cilla4progress Nov 2022 #115

Such kind comments and good wishes. Thank you. BTW, Ilsa Nov 2022 #119

Just want to join in with others' wishes: snot Nov 2022 #116

I missed this post yesterday, but saw your post about your grieving dogs... hlthe2b Nov 2022 #117

Thank you. Weather permitting, I intend to take them out tomorrow. nt Ilsa Nov 2022 #118

This message was self-deleted by its author Rocknation Nov 2022 #146

We didn't even ATTEMPT "do-it-yourself" home hospice care Rocknation Nov 2022 #147