I cannot stop wondering why I am still around.

[OldBaldy1701E]

11. The 'purpose' needs to help me survive, since I cannot do it without some help.

Also (for what it is worth), when I was in my early twenties I swore that I would not just exist. That I would be following my dreams and helping others along the way. Well, I helped others, that is for sure. All the fucking time. Free work, free performing, free this and free that. The 'following my dream' part? Not so much. See, one cannot survive doing everything for free. And, as time has passed, it appears there is no one who wants to pay me to do anything other than work myself into traction or worse, all of which will take about three weeks as my health is pitiful and not getting any better.

Dying slowly is ridiculous. Why torture yourself? That makes no logical sense either.

Sorry, I am trying to work through all of this, but existential purpose is not going to help. Getting out of a society that values a green piece of paper over a human being is what will help. There is really only one way to do that. The rot that is capitalism has spread so thoroughly that there is scarcely a spot on the globe that isn't trying to assimilate into the unbounded greed that is modern capitalism. Capitalism is what is keeping me from getting any real help. The need to get vast sums of money before helping a human being who is suffering and dying is a society that I do not want to be part of. The fact that this is now the only acceptable motivation for said is enough to make me want to puke. Of course, that might be the pain in my hand at the moment. Sometimes it gets really bad and not using it makes no difference.