Disquiet

[jfz9580m]

11. Part 11: A Rambling Diatribe

I will drop dial down my trollish tone for this post alone.

Lol..this was a side of me no one ever saw except my mom (and sundry creepy people online who scrape data and try to understand someone whom they do not know and never will). My mom knew me better than anyone else ever did.

Sometimes I scared her because I have very battle prone instincts if I am messed with. She iused to say “I was the biggest influence in your life growing up and yet you are all him.” He being my dad. Well this is and was a nightmarish conflict and repressing what I inherit from my dad and trying to channel my mom, a genuinely kindly and decent woman, did not work out. It made me seem odd. Further my mom is dead. My dad and I are still alive. Maybe it is true that only the good die young. Despite my self-destructive tendencies when confronted with this much stupidity (the worst mode of survival), I have strong survival instincts myself. The shitty Google associated hospital from Jan-Feb 2012 I am filing malpractice and misconduct allegations against wishes I was suicidal. One reason I knew they were so lousy at psychiatry was the constant pushing of scripts like that. It is a sign of incompetence. The shrink outside they had me see was not that bad.

Like many people who had or have a futile hope that Ol’jfz9580m would be a little more tractable, humble, mild etc, he tried to make Ol’jfz9580m conform. That didn’t go well…He should at least appreciate that out of respect to him and my mentor I tried more than I would.

Seriously it is asking to be reemed in my position to be all that..he was cool.. but he was white and male. I avoid this crazy Tyler Durden type of male. But the civilized type of white or majority group male or female or human in a better position cannot comprehend how survival works for someone in my position.

It has become too unsafe for me to have any stupid or fake behaviors. Oh btw if this TL, no one fucking asked you to read this so buzz off.
It is not for you, whiny whiner..It is to start posting as the human woman I am in the specific (deeply stupid) context I am in.

This isn’t the usual masturbatory wank fest of share. My mom would not recommend posting such stuff online, but I am done pretending to appease fraudulent pearl clutchers, let alone pretend that I am risking “outrages” to my (non-existent) modesty (yeah that language needs updating) by coming out!

I make it viciously clear with mockery where I stand on these pathetic men who are eternally titillated by every damn thing..Anything that “emasculates” this perpetually horny Andrew Tate adjacent lobotomized at birth type works for Ol’jfz9580m..I am a poet!
🍆🤺🔪🍆🗡️🌽🤺

So much for modesty..Seriously..being harassed and groped by these pathetic bullies and having to sit there and take it as their corrupt and parasitic male and female enablers in two countries tried to cop only Ol’jfz9580m has finally emancipated Ol’jfz9580m into shucking the mask. The creeps were not as painful as the so-called respectable people and standard-bearers, a collection of hypocritical parasitic nincompoops who disgrace every professional or other group they lower every bar in.



I don’t like talking. But hey I was forced into this. I thought it was all about “authenticity” and conversations? I tried to negotiate and compromise over and over and I sounded deranged. Because you cannot try to sound like a person you do not understand in a real crisis or mimic people.

And now this is on the internet. I always tried to in this period and generally have many layers of ordinary distance between myself and other humans in engagement in the past.
I am an only child and a loner and maybe most important a lover of books - not that stupid digital thing which that ugly creep who makes his employees (truck drivers etc) pee in bottles for efficiency sells. Ol’jfz9580m has learnt to avoid libel.
I only share who Ol’jfz9580m is so you don’t make the mistake again of messing with me or at least demonstate your stupidity in the process. I have no use for fake muscle.
What is so impressive about having a tonne of money, power and mobs behind you.

Ol’jfz9580m who is in a fair way to reinventing herself now as not just a committed troll, but also a cult leader..I am going to start my own religion!
Lately I cannot stop laughing as I post these.

If this was an income source or a pathway to anything but a criminal lawsuit and malpractice and misconduct complaints, I wouldn’t be able to do it.

My friend Chris Ketcham and a random oped in Current Affairs about a romance scam involving some adorably leering woman made me glumly almost log off. But then times change and when women are online overtly signalling that a muscular criminal is on the table if you fail to get what this is - not hateful, kooky, extremism.
But something new I have not seen online yet because I was never seriously online before.

I used to think the internet was largely garbage and DU and work aside and without any ai…I shall never bend to ai..fuck that trash..it is so..lame.

I loved reading and tried writing in my youth. But it was always stilted. I have no natural talent as a writer and to the extent that the various influences on Ol’jfz9580m would not recoil in horror saying “Okay I am not responsible for the effect I had on that woman”..the thinking person’s usual response to Ol’jfz9580m. I think it is unlikely that some of the biggest influences on Ol’jfz9580m - Yasha Levine, Christopher Ketcham and Evgenia Kovda may not distance themselves in alarm and despair.
But pretty much anyone else who tries to pretend to be respectable by the standards of this outrageously stupid society would have to.

The first thing I ever tried to write was when I was literally around 13 or 14 (for the Epstein contingent 🔪🍆🗡️…of course they could be into that..you never know with these perverts) and called “A justifiable homicide” oddly.
Not that Ol’jfz9580m, who lots of weed aside is entirely law abiding, thinks homicide can be justified.

This is in the “writing” forum because that is the correct place for these not the Activist HQ where mean-spirited and horrible persons 😤 could justifiably compare these to other streams of consciousness.
While these are intended for this criminal lawsuit and misconduct and malpractice complaint I will be filing (Ol’jfz9580m doesn’t bullshit around..You think I would sit around boring people if it was not for a purpose like a criminal complaint. Why would I do that?)

I am not contemptuous of people who are making a living any which way they can, where it is not truly, irredeemably degrading society. Evolution is the ability to change.

But it would not be a natural behavior in me. Now (since specifically around mid-day Friday the 6th of March, 2026 - I shall explain why in the next post).

My writing flows easily and without “cringe” (a sensation I am informed by the internet is experienced by self-conscious people who seek approval from randoms online 😤 . There is vicious mockery and teasing.
I have like Frankenstein’s Monster observed you all from afar online and offline as you never made any sense.

It would be nice if like the sole hopeful moment in “Don’t look up” you could put your differences aside. And stop and think more deeply. Because this entire crew of narcissistic parasites for whom I cannot afford compunction anymore - it is not personal or emotional- it is learning. It would be genuinely unsafe. All those people whom I ignore and do not address in the abstract even (I shall in my next post layout all the people

If I could have swung it, I would have been a professor in my field. Or at least a researcher.

Prior to this